Loved and Lost
by buckice
Summary: Lorelai and those close to her deal learn to deal with Luke's unexpected death. Future Fic. Please R&R! Chapter 14 up! Lorelai's POV. Complete.
1. Lorelai Danes

Summary: Lorelai and those close to her deal with the unexpected. Future Fic.

**Note: **This is my first Gilmore Girl fic that I've published. Still working on getting over writers block on the others.

Disclaimer: Wish I owed them. They're some of the coolest characters ever.

-

"Mom! Mom, hurry up, Grandma's going to be mad if we're late two weeks in a row!" Rory, my eldest child, yells walking into my house. She puts her hands on her hips upon finding Katie, my younger daughter, and me relaxing on the couch in front of the TV. "Mom!" she exclaims again. I just smile. Rory's always been the timely one in the family.

"Sweets, don't worry. If we're lucky, she'll get so mad that she'll uninvite us for next week," I joke, almost wistfully. Rory shakes her head, knowing it's my life's dream to miss a Friday Night Dinner. Yes, capital letters are needed because I dread it so much. Mom always belittling me for everything and Dad always dreaming about what I could have been.

"Mom, I promised Marty we'd meet him there since he had to work late today and I don't want him being stuck alone there. Remember last time that happened?" Rory asks. Oh, I remember and smile to myself. "Come on Katie May." Rory and Katie go into Katie's room, Rory's old room, to find Katie something nice to wear.

_Let me take this moment alone to explain. I am Lorelai Victoria Gilmore Danes, daughter of Richard and Emily Gilmore of Hartford, Connecticut. I was brought up in a world of money and coming out parties, of riches and snooty people. Personally, that life wasn't for me. When I got pregnant at 16, I was immediately shunned by my parents until I couldn't take it anymore so much that when I turned 17, I grabbed my baby and drove off._

_The baby I'm talking about is, of course, my daughter, Lorelai Leigh Gilmore Buchman, or Rory as she's well known round these parts (okay all parts). Anyways, back to what I was saying. I drove all the way here, to Stars Hallow, which is actually only a half an hour away from Hartford but seemingly a world away. Stars Hallow, or as I like to call it The Hallow, is a small town. We do all those small town things like festivals and town meetings. We're really a close knit community and I couldn't do without a single townie._

_When I got here, I got a job at the nearby inn, the Independence Inn, as a maid and was eventually promoted to manager of the inn. It was there I met my best friend Sookie St. James Melville. About 7 years ago, Sookie and I opened our own in, the Dragonfly. It's the best thing I've ever done… okay maybe 5th best._

_When Rory was 10, we moved from the inn into the house I live in now and I was the idiot who forgot to buy a coffee maker. To most people that's not an emergency, but I am what you would call a coffee addict. It's basically my life. So I ran to a diner I had noticed in town, called Luke's Diner, and begged for coffee, which was given grudgingly. Soon that became a daily habit and eventually Rory and I would eat there at least once a day, because we're food addicts, and we were always harassing the owner, Luke Danes. And, to make a long story short, about 10 years later Luke and I fell in love and got married. (Let me tell you how much I'm shortening that!) Five years ago, Luke and I became proud parents of the most adorable twins in the world William Gilbert Danes and Kathryn May Danes. Since I offered to name our son after Luke's father, I was able to convince him to name our daughter after my favorite movie character ever. I'm also a movie addict._

_Rory and I were always best friends, well at least most of the time. She had a pretty happy childhood going to Chilton Academy and then Yale University, because she's a genius. Rory dated a few boys, some from here and one from Yale, before she realized what had been there all along. (Similar to how I realized the truth about Luke.) Marty Buchman was a friend from Yale and he had always loved her. After they graduated, they began to date while Rory got a job with the Hartford Courant and Marty went back to school to get his PhD. That was all four years ago and two years ago the two got married in a beautiful ceremony planned by, who else? A few weeks ago, at Friday Night Dinner, Rory and Marty announced they were going to have a baby. I'm going to be a Grandma. Oh Lord. Scary._

"Mom!" Rory exclaims again, drawing me back into the present. I look at her and wink as I head upstairs to change. "Mom, are Will and Luke meeting us there?" she yells up the stairs.

"Yeah, they went to New York for some guy time today," I yell back.

"We had some Momma Daughta time," I hear Katie say. I hear Rory giggle. I love both my girls but sometimes it's so odd to realize that Katie and Rory might be alike. Will always seems like a little Rory to me. He's only five but he's been reading since he was three. He speaks in complete sentences and sometimes reminds me of a little adult. But Katie, she's my girl. She's so much like me, which sometimes drives Luke crazy.

The doorbell rings and I yell down to Rory to get the door. Meanwhile, I open my closet and decide to go with the left side. A few years ago, Luke took all the clothes that my parents and what he says, any decent 40-year-old, wouldn't approve of and moved it to the right side of the closet. I really try not to wear those clothes, especially at my parents, except when I'm feeling especially naughty. I sigh, thinking that maybe today is one of those days.

"Mom! Mom, come down here!" Rory yells, interrupting my train of thought. I pause for a moment because I know if I don't make up my mind now I'm going to wear my ratty jeans and Satan-worshiping t-shirt to my parents place. And, of course, I know from experience that probably isn't the best idea. Gotta go for it. I grab one of my favorite dresses from the right side of the closet, throw it on the bed and run down the stairs, just as Rory is about to yell for me again.

"Mommy, are they from Cop Rock?" Katie asks, pointing towards the doorway. As I glance that direction, I notice two policemen, one of which is holding my son's hand and I pause for a moment.

"Will? Sorry, officer, did something happen?" I ask, walking down the stairs. Suddenly I feel very unsure of myself. Will is looking down at his shoes as I try to catch his look.

"Ma'am, is there somewhere we can talk?" the older policeman asks. For a moment, I'm unable to speak. My son is only 5 years old, what could have happened? And where is my husband?

"Luke? Where's Luke?" I ask. The policemen share a look.

"We can go in here," Rory says. She takes my arm and leads me over to the couch. "Should Will and Katie be here?" The policemen share a look and the one holding Will's hand shakes his head. "Hey Katie, can you go with Will and this policeman. He wants to show you his car." The policeman nods to Rory.

"Wow!" Katie exclaims running over to the policeman who leaves with the twins.

During this time, I've been feeling the impeding news. I know something awful has happened and I can't shake this feeling. Pulling the blanket around me, I try to stop myself from trembling but it doesn't work. Rory sits down next to me, putting one arm around me and clasping one of my hands with her other hand. But I can't shake it. I just keep licking my lips and wringing my other hand trying to breathe and keep calm, neither of which is coming to me easily.

"Ma'am," the police office says, pulling up a chair so he's sitting in front of me.

"Luke," I whisper, the only sound I can manage.

"Luke Danes is your husband?" I nod. "Did he and your son go up to Manhattan today?" I nod again.

"Yeah, he – I wanted to spend the day with Katie. Will and – and Luke – they went to – I don't know what they did," I manage, feeling Rory's strong hand on my shoulder. The only thing keeping me together right now is Rory.

"They went to New York City?" he asks. I nod again. I can still picture Luke waving as he pushed Will out the door.

"Please, tell me," I plead, although at the same time, I know I don't want to hear what he has to say.

"Your husband and son went to a pizza shop on 14th street at about 1:30 this afternoon, a pizza shop that was in the process of being robbed."

"No…" I whisper, without realizing it.

"In the process, your husband noticed the man with the gun. He pushed your son out of the way before getting shot himself."

"Is he?" Rory asks. The policeman nods, solemnly.

"He died before we got to the scene. I'm sorry Mrs. Danes." I try to breathe or cry but my breath catches in my throat. I close my eyes tight to keep myself from picturing the scene. All I can think is, it can't be true. He can't be dead. He was here. He kissed me goodbye. He said he'd see me tonight. It can't be true.

Rory lays her head against my shoulder and I can feel the tears on her face, but I can't cry. I can't move. I'm paralyzed, possibly hoping that maybe the whole day can just reverse itself. Maybe if I sit perfectly still I can go back to this morning when Luke held me in his arms and kissed my hair and told me he loved me. Maybe this won't be true.

-

**A/N: **There's more written. Just want to see what you think of this start. Please R&R!


	2. Rory Buchman

It seems like it is hours before a phone goes off and the policeman sitting across from Mom and me stands up. As he goes to take his call, he touches my shoulder on the way into the front hallway. "Mom?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from wavering. I know I have to be strong for her. I've always been the one keeping her together but now she needs me even more.

I sit up, hoping she'll turn and look at me, but she hasn't moved. I know this can't be good. I've always known what to do for her and suddenly I feel lost. This is like an out of body experience. I'm staring at Mom and me on the couch going, 'Rory, do something', but I can't. I don't know what to do. Finally, I turn her face towards me.

Mom slowly opens her eyes and looks at me. I can't read the expression on her face, but I can tell she's gone pale. Mom and I are always the pale ones but this is so much worse. She looks sick to me. "Luke," she whispers, causing my heart to contract. Oh Mom. I love – loved him too.

"Luke's dead," I say. The tears finally start to run down her face.

"No!" she screams, suddenly sobbing. I pull her to me as she sobs into my chest, harder than ever before.

_A year ago, Mom's dog, Paul Anka, was diagnosed with cancer. I stopped over after work to find her sitting at the kitchen table, a cold cup of coffee in front of her, staring at nothing. She told me about Paul Anka and that Luke had to take the dog to the vet to be put down because it was the best thing for poor Paul Anka. Then she began to cry. _

_Now, Mom's not a big crier, but Paul Anka was important to her, almost like her own child for reasons that are all my fault. What's worse is that the dog wasn't that old. I remember her crying then, saying things were never going to be the same. I know she loved Paul Anka and she grieved for him. I remember Luke coming home and holding her until she stopped crying and went upstairs to sleep. The next morning, Luke told me he let her sleep in and made her a special breakfast at his diner and reminded her that he loved her and she had him and all the kids. Luke is - was my mom's rock._

The policeman walks back into the room, taking me out of my memories. "Ms. Danes," he says. It takes me a moment to realize he's talking to me. I glance over at him and nod. The twins. April. Oh Lord.

After helping Mom into a lying position on the couch, I stand up. I have to look away from her because I can't stand to see her in this much pain anymore. She's still sobbing uncontrollably as she curls up into a little ball. I'm still trying to contain myself and I take a deep breath. I walk over to the policeman.

"It's Mrs. Buchman actually," I tell the police officer. "Formerly Ms. Gilmore, Luke's – was my stepfather." He nods. What does he care? I mean what does that mean – stepfather? He was so much more. No time for these thoughts now. "Rory's my name."

"Rory, I need someone to identify the body." Oh Lord, I think as I rub my forehead. I'm trying to think of someone who could do this because I know it would kill Mom to see him like that and I hate the sight of blood.

"I'll find someone," I promise, not knowing how I'm going to do that.

"Also…" After a moment, I realize he's not going to finish the sentence. He's motioning out the window at the twins and his partner.

"They can't see Mom like this," I say, more for myself than him. I take a deep breath, knowing I don't have time to deal with my own feelings right now. I've got to take charge. I have to take care of mom, then twins, and everything else that needs to be done.

"We can take them somewhere," he offers. But where? Sookie's? No, Sookie loves Luke. I don't think she could handle the news without upsetting the twins. And I still haven't thought of how to tell them, but I know that Mom has to be the one to tell them and that isn't going to happen at this moment. Grandma? No, I really don't want them to be that far away. Someone who knows the twins but wasn't that close to Luke. And suddenly a name comes to mind.

"One second." I pick up the phone, dialing a number I once knew by heart.

"Hello?" Hearing Dean's voice suddenly makes me realize I can do this. "Hello?"

"Dean?" I say.

"Rory?" We are still friends but not as close as we once were. I have Marty and my family and Dean has his wife, Natalie, who bought Weston's Bakery, and their son, Austin. We just don't have time for each other like we used to but every time we talk it's as if no time has passed. He knows me so well.

"Dean, I need a favor."

"Rory? Are you all right? Is it Marty?"

"No. No, we're – it's – can you watch the twins for a little while?"

"Lorelai's kids? Sure." I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing I made the right choice. "Rory, what's going on? Are you all right? Is Lorelai all right?"

"Mom's – it's Luke. He's – he – he died," I finally manage.

"I'll be right over," he says instantly, bringing a soft smile to my face. Dean's always the same.

"No, it's okay. The policeman will drop them by your place."

"No problem. I'm here for ya." I hang up, staring at the phone a moment. Dean's right, he's always there at the right moment.

"Dean's going to watch them. Dean Forrester. I'll write down his address for you," I tell the policeman. I write down the address and hand it to him.

"We have to be getting back but if there something else you need right now – should I get a doctor for her?" he asks, motioning towards my mom. I glance over at her and immediately tear up.

Mom is still in fetal position, shaking and sobbing. I've never seen her like this and I had never expected to. She's the strong one. She keeps herself together. She's stagnate. This is not my mother. This is pieces of my mother breaking apart because she lost the only man she'll ever love.

_Dean was my first boyfriend. On our third month anniversary, we broke because I couldn't respond when he said he loved me. I mean it wasn't a common thing for me growing up. Mom always told me she loved me, but that's different. She had zillions of guys when I was growing up and a few long term boyfriends, but she never said those words to them. Not even to Max and she almost married him. My father, Christopher, said he loved her but she couldn't say it back because she knew she didn't and therefore didn't marry him. _

_When Mom found out what happened between Dean and me, she sat me down and insisted that I not be like her this sense. If I know I love someone then I've got to tell them. Some people love more than one person. I have. I loved Dean. I loved Jess, I think. I loved Logan, or at least parts. But not like Marty. I'll always love Marty. He's a constant. Mom's different. She never thought she would love anyone until Luke. I think she had decided that I was enough. And I'm sure that would have been true. But when you love leaves you and you still love them, part of you leaves, part of you stays, part of you goes wandering, part of you is stuck, and parts of you are running away, breaking you into these little pieces. _

"Rory?" the policeman asks again.

"No," I whisper. "No, I'll take care of it, thanks." He nods and walks out. I watch him from the window. He talks to his partner and then squats down to Will and Katie's level. I watch him talk to them, get them into the car and drive away. And now I'm alone. Alone in the house, with my mother and a part of me just wants to run because I'm not the strong one.

What should I do? I think about those bracelets that were so popular when I was in high school, What Would Jesus Do? Mom made one for herself that said What Would Satan Do? I need one right now. It would say What Would Lorelai Gilmore Do?

I can't do this, at least not alone. I pick up the phone again. I have to call for help. Raise the white flag. Send up a flare. I've got nothing left. I dial another well know number.

"Hello?" my grandma's voice comes through the phone.

"Grandma?"

"Rory," she says, obviously not noticing the smallness of my voice. "Are you girls on your way yet? You're going to be stuck in traffic again."

"Grandma, we're not coming."

"Why not? Your mother no longer has an excuse and you most certainly do not, your husband his here."

"It's Luke. He and Will spent the day in New York. They happened into a robbery at a pizza place. Luke was killed, he was shot trying to save Will." Man, I never want to tell this story again. I hear Grandma talking to Grandpa and possibly Marty. "Grandma, I need a favor."

"Yes, Rory, what can we do?"

"I need – someone to identify the body." I hear muffled sounds again.

"Your grandfather will go." Thank God. Grandpa can do that without getting emotional. One down, a million more to go.

"Grandma, do you know a doctor that can come? Mom's in really bad shape and the policeman suggested…"

"I'll call one right away."

"Thanks." No matter what Mom says about her parents, they're always helpful.

"Marty and I are on our way, we'll see you soon Rory," she says, without asking, and hangs up. No matter what Mom says about her parents, they love her. And of course, I don't mind that she didn't ask. I need them. I need Marty. I can already feel his arms around me, loving me, telling me we can get through this and he'll be there throughout.

-

Please Review! If no one likes the story then I won't continue.


	3. Sookie Belleville

**A/N:** Thank you all for your reviews. They're what keeps me writing!

-

The kitchen at the Dragonfly is hopping today. We're almost filled for lunch, which is something that's been new for few months. I guess word is getting around about the fabulous chef. Oh, I am truly funny. As I rush to throw vegetables for the stir fry in the pan, I almost crash into Michel.

"Sookie!" he exclaims. I giggle as he brushes himself off, annoyed.

"Michel, you're the one who loves veggies." He rolls his eyes. Michel can never take a joke.

"Sookie, there's a phone call for you." Is that all it is? What does he think I'm doing?

"I'm busy, Michel. Or did getting veggies thrown at you not tip you off?" I say as I continue moving the veggies from cutting board to pan.

"Yes, I do believe that I am not blind."

"So?"

"It's Rory on the phone. She insisted I get you immediately."

I stop on a dime. "Rory?"

"At least that's who I think it was."

"Michel!"

"I'm kidding, do you and Lorelai think you're the only ones who can tell jokes around here? Of course I know who Rory is and when it's her that's on the phone." Michel can be such a pain sometimes.

"Manuel! Take over!" I yell as I walk out of the kitchen. I hate leaving anyone else in charge, but if Rory insists, then it must be important. Rory's only known me for 17 years or so.

Picking up the phone at the desk, I realize it's Friday night. It must be Friday Night Dinner. It's always Friday Night Dinner. I'm not sure why Lorelai still goes. She doesn't owe them for Rory's education anymore and she's saving to have enough for Katie's and Will's education. I think deep down Lorelai thinks if she keeps going she can convince them to forgive her for leaving. I don't know why.

_I remember when Lorelai first explained to me what happened with her parents. At my graduation from culinary school, Mia showed up searching for a new chef for her inn, the Independence Inn. Now I wasn't top of my class, but close, and one of the few who didn't already have a job lined up, pretty much due to my procrastination. Anyways, I arrived in Stars Hallow, young and fresh and completely thrilled about starting a new life in a small town. Arriving at the inn, the first person I met was Lorelai. She was quick witted and funny so very open and kind. She was the most fascinating person I ever met. I was completely in awe of her, so much that I was speechless when she was around. But Lorelai wouldn't let that happen. _

_My second week there, I was staying late trying to redo the dinner menu with the staff when Lorelai came to drag me out. Mrs. Kim had let Rory join the family for a relative's wedding in the Kim house, so Lorelai had the night free. She insisted that she needed to spend some time with someone who wasn't learning long division and reading Anne of Green Gables. Not surprisingly. We went out to a bar and cemented out friendship over Long Islands and peanuts. _

_We proceeded to get really drunk and reveal all sorts of things. That night Lorelai told me about the night she left her parents. She had come home from a pediatrician's appointment with Rory, her parents had found a pediatrician outside of Hartford and convinced Lorelai to use a fake name. The house was empty, only a note reminding Lorelai about some function that night at which many fine, rich bachelors would be there and she should leave Rory with the maid. Lorelai could picture herself being forced into an unhappy marriage just to please her parents and picture Rory being raised in a cold environment. She knew if she stayed this would happen because deep down she had a hidden desire to please her parents and so she left. She never said it was because she loved them so much she couldn't bear denying her parents the daughter they always wanted. She couldn't bear watching her parents go through that. And all she ever wanted was their acceptance._

"Sookie?" I hear Rory's small voice over the phone and my heart clenches.

"What did they do now?" I ask.

"Who? What?"

"Rory, what happened?"

"I – it's, can you come?" Rory asks, choking down a sob.

"I'll be there." I hang up the phone.

Running through the kitchen, I yell at Manuel to continue the work, not bothering to check if he heard. Because nothing else matters. When a friend calls, especially a best friend like Lorelai or Rory, you run, no questions asked.

I run across town, through the center of town, passing Luke's Diner and Mandel's Bakery and Stars Hallow High. It's about dinner time and there are people milling around town looking for places to eat, but I don't even notice the crowd at Luke's Diner. I don't stop to see the ruckus in Doose's Market. I can't even pause to talk to Babette, Lorelai's next door neighbor, when she runs out of her house to talk. The only things on my mind are Rory and Lorelai.

Throwing open the door to Lorelai's house, I slightly surprised to find the place strangely quiet. Normally after a fight with her parents, Lorelai is roaming around the house raving and waving her arms like a mad man. It's definitely a sight to see. There are no children underfoot, which is also unusual in a house with two five-year-olds. All I see is Rory, standing in the front hallway, tears on her face, red-eyed and emotionally exhausted.

Pulling Rory into my arms, I wonder if it was Rory they went after. But why? Rory's the Gilmore angel. She went to Chilton and Yale. She got a good job and I heard she's been offered a job in D.C. She married well, although not a Huntzberger, and she's pregnant. Oh my, she's pregnant. This stress can't be good for her. "Rory, why don't you go lay down?" I suggest.

She pulls away from me. Taking my hand, Rory leads me into the living room, where I finally see Lorelai. "Oh…" I manage. In a moment, I'm in front of Lorelai, on the floor in front of the couch. She's trembling and, though Rory looks bad, Lorelai looks so much worse. I reach out and stroke her hair, but she doesn't move. She doesn't respond.

"Was dinner that bad?" I ask, looking up at Rory. Rory has wrapped her arms around herself, almost like she's holding herself together.

"We didn't go," she responds, almost whispering. They didn't go to dinner. I glance around for signs of Emily. She hasn't been here, I can tell. The place wouldn't be a mess. I know Emily that much. Could Rory and Lorelai have fought? No, Luke would be here mediating.

Where is Luke? Oh Lord.

"He left again?" I ask. The one and only time that Luke left, almost killed Lorelai, he can't have done it again. It almost killed him too. How? What could she have done? And where are Katie and Will?

"No…" Rory manages. She shakes her head, pressing her lips together to keep from sobbing. I can see she doesn't want to say it in front of Lorelai. Glancing back at Lorelai, I know that leaving her alone for a bit can't hurt her anymore than she's already hurting. So I rub her shoulder softly, hoping she'll just fall asleep, and I walk over to Rory.

"Where's Luke?" I ask. They didn't fight. He didn't leave. That didn't go together. I'm a smart girl, I should be able to put this together. Rory tries again, but can't get the words out. I glance back at Lorelai and then it comes to me. Oh. God. "Is he?" Rory nods, and immediately starts to cry.

Just then the door slams open. I hear footsteps and Marty appears, immediately taking Rory in his arms. She wraps her arms around him and begins to sob.

Luke. He's gone. I'm in shock for a moment, not even noticing that Emily is also in the room. How is this possible? It's like something I can't even comprehend. As long as I've been in Stars Hallow, there's been Luke. Suddenly I feel so sad, so very sad. More than for the loss of Luke and what he was to me. But for Lorelai and Rory and April and Katie and Will. Lorelai, the light of so many people's lives. She could walk into a room and you could just see the light around her. She had that kind of enthusiasm. She had that kind of smile. That kind of spark. The person that so many people, including myself, wanted to be, if only for a moment. Will she ever be the same again? Can I do for her what she would do for me? Will there ever be that bright shining life in Stars Hallow again? That beautiful, wonderful light?


	4. Emily Gilmore

**A/N**: Thanks again for all the reviews. I'm glad you like it. I almost never write such sad stories but the idea came to me and once I started I can't seem to stop.

-

"Luke was killed, he was shot trying to save Will." I can hear Rory's small voice in my head the entire ride to Lorelai's house. I had told Rory that we would be right there but when Marty offered to drive, I knew that he wouldn't make it. So I drove, the whole long distance to Lorelai's house. And I still can't get Rory's voice out of my head.

Marty got to Rory before I could, of course I'm sure she needs him more. But as I watch Rory collapse in Marty's arms, I wonder who is holding whom. And I pray that Richard will get here soon.

The house is in Lorelai's standard disarray. How three children have been brought up in this place, I'll never know. Luke always seemed to just let things be Lorelai's way. But as I glance around I can see photos that remind me this is – or was – a happy home.

Finally my eyes settle on my daughter and my heart aches. To love someone and never think that they feel the same, it hurts. Lorelai is my one regret in life. The one regret that will never change, always be there, always a reminder that I'm not the person I wanted to be. I'm not the mother that I wanted to be. I didn't want to be this.

_I, Emily Elizabeth Stanton Gilmore, grew up as a daughter of society in the Upper East Side of New York City. I was educated at a private school for girls who were going to be part of society. But as a girl, I thought I was different. I would see all girls from high class families get together for tea parties and I would go, but it wasn't the same. I could see my life laid out before me as a never ending tea party. And it wasn't what I wanted._

_My sister, Hope, was my parent's angel. She talked about her coming out party until the day she actually became a debutante. On the other hand, I hoped that time for me would stay far far away. I couldn't see myself walking in front of strangers, pretending to be beautiful and perfect and rich and hoping that the right man would come around and change my life. I wanted to be the one to change my life. More than anything, I admired the Eleanor Roosevelts and Jackie Kennedys of the world, who never let society get to them. They rebelled against society, which only made it chase after them more._

_Of course that all changed when Hope ran away. I, a year older than my sister, had been the belle of the ball. I had joined society, the DAR, and various high class service organizations. And I had caught the eye of a young man named Julius Stewart. We were, at least we thought we were, hopelessly in love. _

_When Hope left, my father began to drink and my mother hid in her room. The household strayed from society and my parents were no longer invited to be a part of it. But suddenly, I wanted to. I wanted to be the belle of the Stantons. I wanted to prove to Hope that she ruined her life. That society could offer more than she ever dreamed of, that by staying and not running away from this life, I had made the best decision. And I got rid of Jules, who still wished I was the rebellious teen I had once been. I became the queen of society and suddenly I reveled in it. But Hope never saw what I saw. And Lorelai never saw what I saw either._

"I'm going to get Rory to bed," Marty tells us. Good. That girl needs to get some rest. He's a smart boy, that Marty. He's a good husband and he's going to be a good father.

"She fell asleep," I comment, glancing at Lorelai. I notice Sookie let out a sigh of relief. Lorelai must have been in such a state when Sookie arrived, I can only imagine. She's prone to hysterics about the littlest things, I can't imagine what she must have been like when she heard the news.

"Can I get you some coffee?" Sookie asks me. I take a look at her. She seems sad also. Why is she offering me coffee? Shouldn't it be the other way? Shouldn't the person offering the coffee be less emotional than the one receiving it?

"I'll make it," I offer and we go into the kitchen. Thankfully I know that coffee supplies are the only things that Lorelai puts in the same place time after time. Strange. As if coffee is the most important thing in her life. "Where are the twins?" I ask.

"I'm not sure," Sookie says, sitting down at the table. I turn on the coffee pot and pull up the chair across from her. "I suppose Rory found someone to take them in until she and Lorelai can take care of them." She shakes her head. "Those poor children."

Poor Rory. This is too much for her. Lorelai never grew up after having a child. Rory was always the adult. She was always the one watching over her mother. And now she's going to be a mother, she doesn't have time to mother Lorelai and her siblings as well. She shouldn't have to be the one telling people the news, finding the doctor, calling her mother's work, taking care of the twins.

There's a knock at the door. We hear the door open and close and footsteps. "Emily?" I hear. He's here. I'm instantly relieved.

I walk quickly into the front hall, hearing Sookie following after me. "Hal," I say.

"I came as quickly as I could," Hal says. I've known Hal for years, he went to Yale with Richard. And he's always number one on my list when I need a doctor. He leans over and kisses my cheek.

"Luke!" we hear from the other room. As we rush into the living room, we find Lorelai suddenly sitting up on the couch. She is breathing hard, but staring at nothing.

"She must have woken herself up," Hal murmurs. Lorelai rubs her head for a moment, trying to remember where she is, I think.

"Luke!" She glances around, but not really because I don't think she actually sees us. "Luke!" she shrieks, tears beginning to run down her face. Lorelai takes off up the stairs.

"Lorelai!" Sookie exclaims. She follows Lorelai up the stairs. What on earth is going on? I glance over at Hal.

"Five stages of grief," he notes. "Denial's first." Denial. How on earth? There's a loud crash from upstairs.

"Oh, God," I worry as I run up the stairs. In the bedroom, Lorelai is on the floor in front of the closet, the rod from the closest has been pulled down and there are clothes and boxes of things everywhere. Lorelai's hands are covering her face as she sobs and Sookie sits next to her rubbing her shoulder.

"I've got it," Hal say, coming up behind me. Marty and Rory follow. Taking a pre-filled syringe from his pocket, Hal convinces Marty to hold Lorelai down for a moment. He injects whatever the medication is into my daughter's arm as she screams in fear, terror, sadness, and anger.

"Mom!" Rory exclaims. She's instantly by Lorelai's side, pulling her mother's face to her shoulder. Hal comes back to my side.

"She'll be asleep in a moment. I can stay for awhile, make sure things are okay and then just have Rory call if she needs more help," Hal says. I nod slowly, watching Lorelai for a moment.

I've never seen her like this and it breaks my heart. My daughter is hurting and I can do nothing. I can't pull her into my arms and hold her. I can't say any words of comfort. I can't help her to sleep or sing to her or take care of her. My poor girl. How much I love her, she'll never know. How much I respect what she's made of her life, she'll never know. How much I long to tell her the truth, she'll never know. All I can hope is that I can do something, even minute, to help my daughter get through this.


	5. April Nardini

The door to my dorm has been annoying me the past few days, or maybe it's just the key. Mechanics is not something I'm good at. But as I try the key in the lock for the fourth time, I'm finally frustrated and thinking I might actually do something about it.

Just then, the door opens for me. "April. I knew it had to be you. I've been hearing keys and the door shaking for about five minutes," my roommate, Julia, says. Five minutes it took her to decide it was me and open the door, how like her. I sigh and fake a smile.

"Thanks, Julia," I say, but not meaning it. This door and my roommates will be the death of me. Okay two of the three roommates. Julia's a history major. She comes from the rich part of Boston, not far from the Kennedys and not far from our Harvard campus. Unfortunately, this allows for her family to stop by whenever they want, which can drive me crazy.

Sally's a philosophy major from Ohio. I think she's still annoyed with me for asking her about cows and farming. Hey, I'm from Connecticut. What do I know about Ohio? Her parents are teachers that raised a genius, who graduated from high school a year early and got full scholarship to Harvard. Lucky girl, because my family can't afford this place, but I think she lives her life in a dreamland.

I go into my room and throw my stuff on my bed and glance over at my favorite roommate, the one that shares a room with me, Mallory. Mallory's family is rich like Julia's but she doesn't constantly talk about it. She's a real person. She likes hanging out and studying. She's a film major but she's got no big dreams of living in Hollywood.

"Bad day?" Mal asks.

"Ug," I sigh, throwing myself on my bed. "Julia," I say, motioning with my thumb towards the door. I can practically hear Mallory smile. "Key." She laughs.

"But you passed your chem test?" she asks. I smile, sitting up.

"I aced it." She nods, knowingly. Between the two us, I'm the one who cares more about school, probably because I'm majoring in Genetics and planning on going to med school one day. I'd better care about it if I'm planning on spending the next half a century in school.

"April! Phone!" I hear Julia scream from the other room. I look at Mal strangely.

"I didn't even hear it ring," I comment. She shrugs.

"I turned it off to nap." I nod and pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"April?" I hear Marty ask. Wow. Marty. Something big must be going on. Marty's my – oh how are we related? Marty's wife is Rory and her mom is married to my dad. Therefore, he's my step-brother-in-law? Yeah, okay.

"Hey, Marty, what's up? Is Rory okay?" Marty's never the one who calls. For one thing, Rory and I only met about six years ago, and for another, he's kind of the quiet type, except around Rory. And probably Lorelai, Rory's mom. No one's quiet around Lorelai, I think she could get anyone to open up, even Charlie Chaplin himself.

"Rory's fine." He sighs. Okay, now I'm really worried. Marty's hesitating, it's gotta be bad news. Something wrong with the twins? "It's your dad." Oh. "He – uh – he – uh – he's – God, this is hard to say over the phone."

"Marty? What's wrong with my dad?"

"He's dead," Marty says. I fall to the floor, my knees just go right out from under me.

"April?" Mallory calls, coming to my side. I lean back against the dresser. My dad is – no, can't be.

"Marty? Are you sure?" I ask. Mallory has knelt down beside me, waiting to hear the news.

"Yeah, April I'm sorry. I'm also sorry Rory couldn't call but she's not doing well and for that matter neither is Lorelai and…" he sighs. "Sorry, I've got to go. I have a few more calls to make and… I'm sorry April." I nod, tears welling up in my eyes. "April?"

"Yeah," I respond, realizing he can't hear me nod. "I'll be there as soon as I can." We hang up. "My dad died." I begin to cry, as Mallory pulls me into her arms. I have this image in my mind of my dad and I miss him.

_I didn't always know my dad, but you could say he's the reason I want to go into genetic counseling. I met Luke Danes, my dad, when I was 12 and I was doing a project for the science fair. It involved getting hair samples from 3 different men I had determined were possibly my biological father. It turned out that Luke was my dad. He came to the science fair to find out. And I never thought I'd see him again._

_Little did I know, Luke wasn't what I expected. He called my mom and we began to get together. And I was amazed how much we had in common and how much I had missed not having a father. Now, I love my mom, and for 12 years it was just us, but I would have really missed out not having my dad in my life. I would have missed out not knowing Lorelai and Rory and the twins._

_I remember my graduation from high school. My mom was so worried about my dad not coming that she must have called a million times to remind him. Thankfully, Lorelai understood and thanked my mom each time. Like Rory, I graduated as valedictorian of my class, of course I didn't graduate from some uppity private school like Chilton, I graduated from Woodfill High School. But my research in genetics got me into any school I wanted. _

_After graduation I took pictures with my friends and my mom before I managed to find Dad, Lorelai, Rory, Marty and the twins in the back of the auditorium. There were tears in my dad's eyes that day and I was complete taken aback. My dad's not an emotional guy. "I feel like I'm Sean Penn in I Am Sam. How did some guy like me end up with such a smart, beautiful daughter?" He hugged me then and I realized how proud he was of me. I appreciated that my mom was proud of me and my grandparents but that my dad, who I had only known for five years, was proud of me, it meant so much. I really loved him then. I can't believe he's dead. _

"April?" Mal says. I nod.

"I have to get to Stars Hallow," I manages between sobs. I have to go. My dad is one of the two reasons I am who I am and I have to be at his funeral. And even though I only met them six years ago, Lorelai and Rory are my family. I have to help them. I have to be there for them. Because they love me. Because I'm their family. Because that's what we Danes's do.

-

**A/N**: I know most of you hate April and the whole idea of her, but I just couldn't ignore her. Besides, I think she's cute. But keep reviewing!

And for those who want Luke to be alive, I'm not sure if I can still do that. I'm working on a few other things that are a little bit happier for Luke, because I love him too.


	6. Lorelai Danes 2

It's dark when I wake up from, I think, the deepest sleep I've ever had. I didn't even dream. It was like a black hole I finally crawled out of. Glancing over to Luke's side of the bed, Rory is curled up in a ball, still in her clothes from Friday. The clock reads 3:23. That must be AM because the sun isn't up. It's Sunday already. I completely missed Saturday.

I remember them giving me drugs. I remember crying. But I don't really remember Saturday. I don't want to. I don't want to remember today. I don't want to remember anything anymore.

Getting up, I realize that I'm not in Friday's clothes. Somehow I've changed into black sweatpants and a long sleeve t-shirt with a dragonfly on it. I pick my robe up off the floor, sighing at the mess I've made. I glance once more at my sleeping daughter, wrapping the robe around myself.

There's only one place I want to be right now, but there's two things I have to do first. I walk across the hall to Will's room. It used to be my sewing room before we had the twins. When they were born, Luke moved the sewing supplies over to his old apartment above the diner. He's always thoughtful like that. He was… always… I shake my head trying to clear my head. I realize after a moment that it's Marty that's asleep in the bed. I smile and shut the door, because the boy needs to sleep even if I can't.

I go downstairs and notice April asleep on the couch. I breathe a sigh of relief, at least someone told her. She's a good kid. She has a conscience like her dad.

I walk over to Katie's room to find both of the twins asleep in the bed. I wonder if they've been told. I kind of remember hearing Rory say that I have to be the one to tell them, but I'm not sure if that actually happened. Watching my twins sleep, I get choked up again. These are Luke's kids. These two and April. He's supposed to be part of raising them! How could he leave me to do this alone!

Grabbing my keys angrily, I run out of my house, barely remembering to shut the door behind me. I know this path like no other, I've been going this way for years. But The Hallow doesn't seem quiet to me as it usually would at this time of night. All I can hear are angry voices in my head. Screaming. I cover my face with my hands as I begin to run towards my destination, knowing if I let go, I won't be able to hold myself together.

I arrive at the diner. I stand outside the door for a moment and I can picture what I would see. I would walk in and see Luke behind the counter fixing the toaster. Kirk at the table to my left, complaining about his bill and some crying babies to my right driving Luke crazy. The place would be hopping and Clara would be running between the tables trying to help everyone at once.

Taking out my key, I unlock the door. I walk in, closing the door behind me. The place is eerily quiet. I can barely think of a time I was in the diner when Luke wasn't there. The place is clean and everything is in perfect order as if the place is expecting to open up tomorrow. And I wonder for a moment who did this. The place was open on Friday, I'm sure of it.

Do they know? Did Caeser and Clara open today not realizing? Are they going to open the place tomorrow? I noticed that the sign still reads 'open' and flip it over. Walking up to the counter, I lean over as if Luke were still there.

He always was.

I sit down at the counter, running the palm of my hand along the top. This place has been a part of my life since I was 26. My how the place hasn't changed. I smile to myself. I walk over to the wall by the kitchen, running my hand over the green paint. What a paint job. I remember Luke's face when he walked in after I repainted the place. He was pleased, I could tell. Luke was never one to admit that he was wrong though.

Noticing Luke's father's writing on the wall, I run my hand over that as well. Oh the memories. I know that day could have been something. If I would have let it, we could have started then. We could have had more time. We should have had more time!

I pick up a pen off the counter and underneath William's writing, I add my own. Luke and I, we are a part of the history of this place. We have been since the moment I walked in here all those years ago. Since the day I begged for coffee and came back for more.

_Luke always remembers the story of when I came to get coffee that early July morning. But he forgets that in the afternoon I showed up again. This time I brought Rory with me. Something about the place had interested me and drew me back again. Also, I still hadn't gotten to the store to buy a coffee maker. _

_I walked in, coffee cup in hand, and walked up to the counter where Luke was fixing a toaster. Something I swear he did everyday. Luke noticed me and I suppose he remembered me from before because he commented that he had already given me coffee that morning. I insisted that one cup was not enough. Rory, who had climbed on the stool next to me, asked for a cup for herself. I swear Luke's mouth dropped open. He told Rory that she was going to be that height forever if she drank that coffee. But Rory was already tall for her age, so she just smiled and thanked him for the coffee. _

_I took that moment to introduce us to Luke and commented that he must either be William or Luke but I wasn't sure because the signs outside were a little misleading. He didn't crack a smile when he responded that this place was a hardware store when his father, William, was alive. But somehow that exchange didn't ruin us, our relationship. In fact, though he would complain, he always seemed to lighten up a little when we were there to eat or have coffee. Luke always says I won his heart the moment I met him that morning but I never told him that he won my heart that same afternoon. I had seen his soft side when he talked about William._

I stand and walk over to the coffee pot, just smelling it for a moment. All the memories hidden deep in this place come rushing back. And that's when the tears come. Because I realize, he's never going to see this place again.

I run up the stairs and into his old apartment, my sewing room. And I'm just so angry. Why did he have leave me? Why did he have to take that chance? He hates Manhattan, why did he go? He should have done everything he could to come back to me. If he really loved me, he wouldn't have died!

All the while, I screaming and crying and throwing things. At one point, I've picked up a hammer and smashed a mirror. In my state, I try to pick up the pieces, not realizing that I'm cutting myself in the process. And I just sit there on the floor, surrounded by pieces of my life, just sobbing. My husband left me. He's never coming back. And I can't stop thinking that if he had really loved me, he wouldn't have died. Oh Luke, how can you think I can get through without you?

-----

**A/N**: Again I'm going to thank you all for your reviews. I'm so glad you all like it, and I should admit that when I'm editing, I've cried too.

About Emily, I have to admit, I've never forgiven her for breaking up Lorelai and Luke, but there's something about her. I want to understand her.

Also I've tried to do Richard and Marty's POVs but I can't. Strangely I've found it hard to write from a guy's perspective. I've never been a guy so I guess I would never begin to understand the male mind.


	7. Lane Kim

I'm woken up by the phone ringing. I reach out my hand, fumbling around for my glasses. Finding them, I put them on and look at my clock. 7:07. Who on earth is calling me an hour before I have to wake up to go to church? Doesn't anyone know me? Sighing, I get up and pick up the phone. "Hello?" Wow, I sound tired.

"Lane?" I hear Rory say. Okay. Okay. As long as it's Rory. Now I feel bad.

"Hey Rory, do you need something?" I feel so bad about what's happened. Not that Luke wasn't a good friend to me, but I know that Rory's and Lorelai's lives are changed forever now.

"Have you seen my mom?" Lorelai? She's asking me where Lorelai is? This cannot be good.

"I haven't seen her Rory, what happened?"

"She – I – I don't know. The doctor gave her some more drugs last night, which got her to sleep. She was doing so well, Marty and I were finally able to get the kids home. I think they needed to spend the night in their own beds or at least in their own house. And I slept in her bed with her, but when I woke up, she was gone."

"Oh God, Rory."

"I don't – I didn't – I called Sookie and she suggested a few places but I don't really know where to look. I can't do this, Lane." Poor Rory. She sounds like she's going to break down momentarily.

"Did you try the diner?" I ask. I mean I don't know Lorelai as well as Rory, but I think that would be obvious choice.

"Oh, right, the diner," she responds. She's not even thinking right now. She's at home every day watching her mother in pain and she's dealing with the fact that she lost a man who was like a father to her. Rory's at home with those two little kids, who are now going to grow up without the father that loved them. And she's still Rory. She's still the person who thinks that she needs to take charge, she needs to be the adult in the situation. She needs to be in control. At least she thinks she does. What she really needs to do is take care of that baby she's carrying and deal with the fact that she lost someone close to her as well.

"Why don't you meet me in front of the diner," I suggest, thinking that she shouldn't be doing this alone.

"Okay," she agrees softly. Then she hangs up.

As I begin to get myself together and get ready for the day, I think about the current situation. I know that I'm supposed to meet my mom at the church in a little while and she's going to be angry that I can't make it, but I'm okay with that. All my life I've been doing everything, well mostly everything, to my mother's will (except for that one year with Zack). But Lorelai and Rory are my family too and I have to be there for them.

_When I finally decided to get my life back in order after The Lost Year, or at least that's what I refer to it as, Lorelai was the first one to stand up for me. I tried to convince my mother that I didn't want to go back to who I was before TLY. I didn't want to go to the Seventh Day Adventist College, marry a Korean doctor, and listen to Korean church music. That's not me. But lying to my mom and hiding things from my mom isn't me either, despite the fact that I spent most of my life doing that. _

_I convinced my mom to sit down with Lorelai and me and listen to us. Lorelai explained that I wanted to get my life in order just she had after she left her parents with Rory. I wasn't in the same situation as Lorelai but I was still lost. I was 22 years old and I wasn't happy with my life. I wished I could be like Rory, successful, happy, with a boyfriend like Marty and a great relationship with her family. Lorelai had some way with words because my mom actually listened. _

_Mama let me move out of her house into my own apartment, even though I was not yet married. I promised to go to church with her every week in exchange for letting me attend UConn. I got my degree in Music Education and I currently work at the high school here in Stars Hallow. I think that deep down my mother respects what I have become because I explained to her my plans, I didn't hide anything. She's proud of me and I have Rory and Lorelai to thank for that. With out them, I don't think I would have been happy with my life. I would be the Korean woman my mother wanted me to be and that would not have made me happy. Rory showed me how to be successful and stood by me and Lorelai helped me get here today. _

Well then I've got to. I pick up the phone and call my mom.

"Hello?" My mother, ever the voice of disappointment.

"Hi, Mama."

"Who is this?"

"Who? Mama, it's Lane. How many people call you Mama?"

"I never asked."

"Okay, forget it. I just wanted to call and tell you I won't be at church this morning. Rory's still trying to deal with Luke's death and Lorelai…"

"Okay," Mom says, cutting me off. Wow. I think deep down my mom feels for Lorelai as well. "Don't forget to call David," Mom says before she hangs up.

Ooops. I forgot Dave was joining us for church today. After finishing college and medical school in California, Dave started his residency at Yale. Thankfully, Dave and I picked up right where we left off, both knowing we wouldn't have broken up if we weren't so far away. So now he comes to church with us on Sundays when he's not supposed to work.

I grab my cell phone as I run out of the apartment, lock the door and down the stairs. On my run to Luke's Diner, I quickly call Dave. I know he hates when we don't see each other, but he knows some things take priority. After promising to call him when I get home, I arrive at the diner, completely out of breath. Rory shows up not more than a minute later with Sookie.

"Hey," Sookie says. Rory goes over and opens the door. Sookie gives me a look. Well, now I know I was right. Luke would never have left the door unlocked and Caeser wouldn't have either.

"Mom!" Rory calls. There's no sign of Lorelai in the diner. The place is clean and quiet. I've never seen it this way before and I used to work here and close the place. But I can still smell it, the faint smell of Luke, of mustiness and greasy food rolled together.

"She is here, right?" Sookie asks.

"Oh yeah," I answer. We follow Rory upstairs.

The upstairs apartment doesn't even look like it belongs in the same building as the diner. There are items strewn all about the room. A lamp looks broken and a mirror has been shattered. The place is a mess. I figure the mess must have been caused by the woman lying in the middle of the glass from the broken mirror.

"Mom!" Rory exclaims, running to Lorelai's side. Lorelai reaches a hand to her and that's when we see the blood. Both of her hands are cut up, probably from the glass, and bleeding.

"I'll call Dave," I announce. Taking my cell phone out of my back pocket, I go into the stairwell to call Dave. I shiver as I think about what I've just witnessed. I've broken down in front of her and Rory has, but I don't think I've ever seen Lorelai broken down. She's strong. I didn't even see her the night Luke broke up with her after her parent's vow renewal. Rory said she was pretty bad, but I don't think even Rory could have seen this coming.

I get ahold of Dave, and he promises that he's on his way. Taking a deep breath, I will myself the strength to walk back inside the room. I hesitate in the doorway before walking in. I'm afraid and I know it. I'm scared that this day might destroy my long held faith in the strength of Lorelai. I scared that if this can happen to someone as strong as her, how am I going to handle something that's not quite as bad? How will Rory? Or April? Or anyone?

Sookie is ripping sleeves off of an old shirt and wrapping the sleeves around Lorelai's hands. She asks Rory if there's a first aid kit around but Rory's not sure.

"Dave's on his way," I tell them. But what will he find when he gets here? How will we get Lorelai through this, and I say 'we' because there's no way Rory's doing this herself. There's no way.

Sookie has finished and is looking for a broom so that she can sweep up the pieces. Rory lays down on the floor facing her mom. Lorelai reaches out at brushes Rory's cheek. "It's okay, Sweets, you can cry too," she whispers. And with that approval, tears begin to run down Rory's cheeks. She takes Lorelai's hand in hers and kisses it.

I have to look away. A lump has formed in my throat but I can't swallow it and I can't get the tears out. I'm sad. I know I miss Luke, but that's not it. I'm sad because they're sad. Because the family I always wanted to be a part of is lying, broken to pieces, on the floor. All they can do to hold it together is to hold on to each other.

-

**A/N**: And again, keep the reviews coming. I really love them! And I promise that I will bring Luke back happy and healthy in another story.


	8. Lorelai Danes 3

The entire morning and some of the afternoon up to this point is a blur to me. I think I remember leaving the house, but going to the diner and how I cut my hands is lost to me. The girls showing up seems a faint memory. Yet, I still can feel that rash anger I felt when I trashed the room. That raw bleeding hatred for forces I can't begin to understand.

Here we stand now. Sookie left a few hours ago to go check on the inn, where I haven't been in a long time. Dave came and left, taking Lane with him. They had other things to do, they have lives outside of mine. That's understandable. But Rory's still here with me, she's my constant.

She insisted that we get out of the building and go pick out a casket. Rory took me to the only funeral home in Stars Hallow, where the woman led us around from casket to casket explaining the advantages and disadvantages of each one. I really couldn't say what exactly she said. It sounded like mumbo-jumbo to me. This is a different scene from a different time and with different people.

_Luke and I stood here only a few years ago. Actually more like 10 years ago trying to pick out a casket for his uncle. Luke, who never gets shaken, was in a state I never saw him in before. He didn't even like his uncle, but when we went to pick out a casket for Uncle Louie, Luke just couldn't take it anymore. I still remember. And I didn't understand then. But this time it's different._

_I know that he didn't hear what the casket man said, or possibly even what I said. All he had were the memories in his head, mostly of his dad's death. It must have been Luke who picked out William's casket and dealt with the funeral. When we looked at Louie in the coffin with his baseball cards and everything else he wanted buried with him, all Luke must have seen is his dad. _

_It's hard to pick out a casket when you realize that's the last place you're going to see the one you love. The last picture that's going to remain in your mind. And nothing is enough. No casket is enough to explain and help you remember years and years together. And no matter what you decide, all you're going to feel is helpless and lonely._

"We were here before." Rory rubs my arm then and I realize I must have said that last statement aloud.

"What about this one?" Rory asks, running a finger over the edge of the casket in front of us. It's a light brown wood with some kind of border. Really I could care less. What does it matter? He's the one who died, why didn't he just pick it out beforehand? Why did he have to leave me to do this when I'm the one hurting? Why did he have to leave!

"I – excuse me," I manage before I crack. I'm suddenly overcome with dizziness and nausea. I run up the stairs and out of the building. Standing on the sidewalk, I put my hands on my hips trying to hold it together. Trying not to hurl. I take a few deep breaths as I try to make this feeling go away. Try to make all feelings go away.

"Mom, I took care of it," Rory says, walking out of the place. She puts an arm around me, leading me in the direction of home. I know what she wants me to do. I know I need to.

"Are they at home?" I ask.

"I called Marty. He and April have been playing with them and stuff while we've been gone. But, Mom, this can't wait any longer."

"I know," I respond, almost in a whisper.

We pause in front of the house as I take a look at it, for really the first time in a long time. It doesn't have the same feeling as it did when Rory and first moved in. The house was a new place, it was like our own little castle. But when Rory went to live with my parents for that few months and Luke moved in, it really began to be a niche. It became a real home for a man and wife and kids.

"Come on," Rory says, leading me inside.

"Mommy!" Katie exclaims, running to me and wrapping her arms around my legs. I brush the top of her head with my hand, her baby-soft curls so light against my touch. Noticing Will, I force myself to smile but I think he can tell that it didn't come effortlessly. And suddenly I realize, Will knows. He was there. He watched his dad die. Suddenly, I'm no longer sad for myself, but for my son who watched the man he loved and looked up to slowly disappear.

"Katie, Will, go sit on the couch, we have to talk," I say. As I watch them follow my instructions, April walks over to me. Oh April. The poor girl really just got to know her dad and now she has to survive on those few years of memories. If Chris had died, at least Rory would have years of memories to get her through. If only Anna had told April and Luke earlier. I still can't believe she would do that to a child. To never know your father, I can't imagine it. My dad and I may not have the best relationship, but I still knew it wasn't enough when he went to the hospital with angina years ago. And my children. They'll barely remember Luke when they're Rory's age or even April's age.

"Lorelai, I was sorry to hear," she says. I pull the poor girl into my arms. She was sorry? She feels sorry for me? It should be the other way. I had time with him. I got to know him. I have almost 20 years of memories. What does she have? Barely a photo album.

"He loved you," I whisper into her ear. As we let go, I can see the tears in her eyes and I know she loves him too. Sorry – loved him too. This denial, it's a wonderful thing.

I walk over and kneel on the floor in front of Katie and Will, placing a hand on each of their knees. "Hey guys," I begin, still trying to think of how to tell them. I've been a mother for years but nothing could have prepared me for this. "I need to tell you about your dad."

"Is Daddy coming home soon?" Katie asks. Will looks down in his lap. I squeeze his knee, letting him know that I'm still here.

"No, Hun. When Daddy – in New York – Honey, Daddy is dead. He's not coming back," I finally manage. Katie's eyes fill with tears.

"Dead?" She sniffs. "Like Judy's dog?" Her friend Judy had a dog that died a few months ago and Judy is still trying to understand it. They're so young.

"Yes, Hun."

"But he still loves you," April says, coming to sit next to Will. She puts an arm around Katie as she pulls Will into her lap.

"I'll never see Daddy again?" she asks. A lump forms in my throat. How do I explain it, when I can't even comprehend it?

"You'll see him again," April says. "Things will remind you of your daddy and you'll know he's still here for you. I can still see him in each of you and in your mommy's smile. Every time I walk into the house I can still hear him complaining about the lock that needs fixed or making your mommy laugh." I look down at my hands. I can hear him too. Like this morning when I saw him in the diner. I saw him in the gazebo where we celebrated our engagement. I saw him on the porch swing where we sat after I told him I was pregnant. And every night, he'll be in my bed, his ghostly arms around me. And my heart aches, because I know I'll never really feel him again.

---

**A/N**: Okay, so apparently Lane was not the best idea because I recieved so few reviews for the Lane chapter.

Just on a personal note I've had to go back to watching my DVDs after writing these chapters cuz I miss Luke so much. So odd.


	9. Liz Patterson

Before April called this afternoon, I could already feel that something was wrong. My alarm hadn't gone off. I only sold one pair of earrings. But more than that there was a nagging feeling in my bones that something was wrong.

I was just getting home from a shortened day, hoping that TJ was not there because I needed some time to myself, when she called. "Luke is dead." Her words ring in my head, almost an hour after she called.

I hear the door slam as TJ walks in the house. He looks up from the mail he's sifting through and notices me on the couch. No one knows it, but my husband is amazing. He knows instantly that something is wrong. He drops the mail and comes over to the couch and holds me. I don't even have to say anything.

Wrapped in TJ's arms I feel safe and secure. Lorelai will never have this again, at least, not with my brother. "I have to go over there," I say. TJ lets go of me, taking my hand in his.

"Where? What happened Babe?"

"Luke – he was – he's dead," I tell him, the words hitting me like a brick. My big brother, the one who had always looked after me, is gone.

"So you're going over to Lorelai's?" TJ asks, reminding me of my plans. I nod.

We hear the door slam. Who on earth could that be? Glancing at TJ, I notice he seems clueless as well. "Hello?" I call.

"Mom?" Jess answers walking in the room.

"Jess!" I jump up and throw my arms around him. "I'm so glad you came." I hug him tight. My son never comes home so it's always good to see him, even under these circumstances. I hold him a little longer than usual and, surprisingly, he let me. "Did Rory call you?" Years ago, I know Rory would have called him in a heartbeat but he had it out with Marty last time he was home, but still he is Luke's nephew.

"Naw, April," he replies. Jess actually looks sad. I wonder for a moment if this is about Luke or Rory. I reach out and stroke his cheek.

"Aw, Sweetie, she'll get over it eventually." He nods. Oh Jess, he keeps it all inside. I'm not sure that she will get over it but I can pretend. "But you still came."

"He was my uncle," he reasons.

"Of course he was and he loved you. Last time you left, Luke told me how proud he was of you." Jess nods again. I pull him in for another hug. Luke was right, I think to myself. My boy is going to be a good man. I just know it. "I'm going over there now. I have to see Lorelai. Are you coming with me?"

"Yeah, sure." I glance over at TJ who nods. Jess puts his bag in the corner and we all troop out to Luke's house, grabbing a pie out of the refrigerator on my way out the door. Watching Jess shove his hands in his pockets on the way, he reminds me of Luke for a moment.

_When our dad died, I was out with some friends smoking pot behind the high school. Luke was always closer to our dad, close in the way that he wanted to be just like him, although it seemed to me that our dad never let anyone in really. Dad had never approved of anything I did, after Mom died, he stopped trying. Luke was the only one who paid any attention to me after Mom died, he was the only one who could get me to stay home and finish school._

_The day Dad died, Luke came to get me. He knew exactly where to find me, he always did. Luke told me that Dad had died and pulled me away from my friends. He said I could be whomever I wanted to be tomorrow, but today I had to be the daughter my dad needed me to be. I agreed with Luke, because I always did and we left for home. _

_All I can think about now is that long walk home. Home, it seemed, was miles and miles away from the school. I can still picture Luke walking, long hair, gruff expression, hands shoved in his pockets, staring at the ground the whole way. Despite his demeanor, I knew that Luke was hurting inside. I wrapped my arm around him. I knew I was going with Luke more as a comfort to him than to grieve for my father. As I look over at Jess now, I can see the same blank look on his face, that same gruff demeanor. As I wrap my arm around his, pulling him so that he's walking next to me, he gives in. Although this time I'm not going just to comfort him, I'm going to grieve. And I think that Jess is grieving too. _

When we arrive at the house, TJ knocks at the door and an older woman opens it, an older man right behind her. For a moment, I wonder if everything is all right. "Mr. and Mrs. Gilmore?" I ask. It has to be. I can see he's got Lorelai's eyes and Rory's and Will's and Katie's. I know I met them at the wedding, but it's been awhile.

"Yes?" the woman responds. Man, she is exactly as Lorelai describes her. How on earth the two are related, I'll never know.

"I'm Elizabeth Danes, Luke's sister."

"Of course, come in." She glances over at Jess. "Mr. Mariano." I remember Jess saying he met them when he was dating Rory.

"Oh and this is my husband, TJ." TJ sticks out his hand to shake hers but Mrs. Gilmore just nods and moves back so he can walk inside. Oh boy, this is going to be interesting.

"I'm here to see Lorelai," I tell her as she leads us into the living room. I hand Mrs. Gilmore the pie, which she looks at like it just crawled out of a hole.

"Aunt Liz!" April exclaims. She runs over and hugs me. This girl is amazing. I can't believe she's Luke's. She's so beautiful and smart. Luke is so proud – sorry – was so proud of her.

"She's upstairs in William's room. I think she was trying to get him to sleep," Mrs. Gilmore tells me. William. I heard the poor boy was there when Luke died. No wonder he can't sleep. I notice Katie in the kitchen with Rory and Marty. Rory waves to us but stops when she notices Jess. I wave back. I would love to go hug Katie, but I know I need to see Lorelai first.

"Stay here and be nice," I tell the boys. They need the warning. Both of them nod. As I go upstairs, I realize they didn't really need the warning with the Gilmores around.

Standing in the doorway of Will's room, I stare at Lorelai and Will for a moment. Actually I can't even see Will from where I'm standing. Lorelai is laying on the bed, back to the door and an arm around the person next to her. They both look so peaceful that I almost don't want to bother them, but if I know Lorelai, she's not actually asleep.

I tap lightly on the doorframe. Just the light noise causes Lorelai to glance over her shoulder at me. She looks back at her son for a second and then slowly gets herself up from the bed, slowly enough that she won't wake him, as I can now see he's fallen asleep. Lorelai motions for me to follow her into her bedroom.

"It took me hours to get him to sleep," she tells me shaking her head. "Rory's friend, Paris, is going to find me a good child psychologist to help, but I think if I work at convincing him it wasn't his fault, he'll work through it faster." I nod.

"Yeah he will." We stand there for a moment before I pull Lorelai to me and hug her. She barely relaxes in my arms, hanging on tight. "It wasn't your fault either," I remind her. She leans back away from me, wiping her eyes, although there weren't any tears.

"Thanks." She doesn't really look like she believes me. "You ever see the movie, Up Close and Personal?" Strange question. Lorelai's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister, so I'm still getting used to our sisterly talks. This is not to say that I don't love these talks, it makes me feel closer to her.

"Yeah, maybe. Is that the one with Robert Redford?"

"Yeah and Michelle Pfeiffer." I nod. "I always wondered how Tally Atwater could get up at the end and make that talk so soon after her husband's death. I always thought she would be so overcome with grief that she'd break down. But she didn't." Lorelai sighs, rubbing her forehead.

"You don't have to hold it all in." Tally held it all in, I remember. She knew she had to give that speech and she didn't want to seem frail by letting go in public. To Lorelai, letting go in public includes everyone, even her children.

"I have to get through tomorrow. If I don't, then Katie and Will never will," she admits.

_When Mom died, Dad tried to hold it all together for Luke and I, but I knew he was hurting. Mom was his life until the moment she died. I remember when I walked into Dad's store and he had finally broken down. He was there all alone, Luke was still at school. I was 10 years old and I had never seen my dad cry until then. But that's what made Mom's death real to me. That's when I knew she was really gone. _

I'm not sure how to explain this to Lorelai. She'll have to figure it out on her own. Maybe it won't be the same because Katie and Will aren't me. Or because they're younger. But one day, Lorelai's going to have to stop denying her feelings and stop denying that Luke's gone, and stop trying to hold on. I think until then, she'll never be able to move on.

------

**A/N:** Keep reviewing! I know this is getting depressing, but I can't stop in the middle of a story. I can tell you there will be 14 chapters in total.


	10. Rory Buchman 2

Grandma and Grandpa drive Marty and I home after another long day at Mom's house. Every day seems so draining to me, I'd be surprised if I couldn't fall asleep before my head hit the pillow. As Marty helps me out of the car, Grandma touches my arm through her window.

"Rest, Dear. Take this time and rest. We'll pick you up to go to the funeral tomorrow. Until then, don't think about anything but yourself and that baby," she insists. I nod, squeezing her hand to let her know I've heard.

She's right. A few times, I almost forgot I was pregnant, until another wave of nausea hits me.

"Grandma, I know she's glad you've been there," I tell her. I know it's not my job to bring peace between my grandparents and my mother, but I do it anyway. Gladly, most of the time. If only they would just tell each other this.

"Thank you, Rory. We'll see you tomorrow," she answers and they drive off. I watch the disappearing taillights for a second. My grandparents are a foreign entity to my mother. She doesn't understand how much they love her. If they were truly disappointed in everything she did, they wouldn't have come to Stars Hallow, they wouldn't do everything they could to keep her in their lives.

Marty takes my arm and leads me into our house. As we walk inside, he pulls me to him and I collapse in his arms. I'm so tired. I'm so thankful for Marty. Without him, I don't think I'd be making it through.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" I ask. I feel Marty smile and kiss my neck.

"I think you have, but I don't mind hearing it again." I lean back, my arms still wrapped around his neck

"You're my rock Marty. I'm not strong and I wouldn't get through this without you," I say.

"Rory, you can do anything,' he responds, playing lightly with my hair. I smile. He's so wonderful. I can't believe it took me four years to notice it, but Marty is the love of my life.

_I broke up with Logan for the 3rd and final time in October of my senior year of college at Yale. He wasn't right for me and it took a lot for me to realize why. I thought he was wonderful. He was always around. He took me places I never dreamed. He told me I could be a risk taker, I could be adventurous. He tried to teach me I could be careless. Logan was careless in many ways._

_Logan wasn't on good terms with his parents. He was on the bad side of the police as well as most of the professors at Yale. Most students at Yale hated him, except ones that were rich like him and felt they could do as they pleased. And he didn't care. _

_But what finally convinced me to break up with him the last time, was then I realized he was being a jerk to my mother. Logan and I finally found a time to have dinner with my mom and Luke at their house. They had gotten married a few months before and my mom was already expecting the twins. It took so long after I reconciled with my mom to get us all together because Logan kept changing his schedule or faking sick. I don't think he ever planned on seeing my mother outside of my grandparents's house. I finally told him, that we do it on my terms or it's over and that's what finally made him agree to go. Boy was that stupid. Logan treated my mom and Luke like they were crap, like they were beneath him and should be bowing down to him. He was cold and tried to get me to leave less than an hour after we got there. He knew that my mom was my best friend, the most important person in my life, and he was hurting her and she didn't need to take that. I didn't need to take it. So I ended it._

_But I didn't get together with Marty right away. Marty and I had been friends since the beginning. He had once told me during our sophomore year that he had feelings for me but I soon forgot. He was so good to me after Logan and we were close like we had been before Logan. During finals week before graduation, I took Marty with me to Stars Hallow. I was dropping some things off at home so that I didn't have a lot to take home on the last day. Marty had always wanted to see the Stars Hallow that I talked about so much so I invited him. He loved it. He seemed so fascinated by the town, by Taylor, by Kirk, by the Spring festival that was going on and everything else about the town. And then he came to my house. Marty had already met Mom a few times but it was this time that really made an impression. He was so friendly and open with my mom and Luke and treated them like friends he hadn't seen in awhile. He held my sister and brother and I could tell he enjoyed his time. _

_When he dropped me off that night, I thanked him for being so kind and good to me. It was then I knew and I kissed him. I think I surprised him a little but he seemed happy about it. We started dating the next week and within a few years we married. I couldn't be happier. Well, before a few days ago._

"Bed?" Marty asks. I blink a few times to remember where I am and then I smile.

"Perfect," I say. He picks me up and carries me to bed. I'm so glad because I think I'm too tired to have walked up the stairs. As I lay there, curling up to fall asleep, I realize I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have Marty, who loves me and everything about my life. But today, I know that I'm lucky to have had Luke, who treated me like the daughter he never had (at least until April). Luke, who loved me long before either of us realize it. And though I'll miss him, I know that he knows I love him like the father I never really had.

----

Please review!


	11. Emily Gilmore 2

I suppose I should say that Luke's sister did a fine job planning the funeral, although I wouldn't recommend her to any of my friends. Richard and I met Rory and Marty at their house, where we were somehow coerced into walking to this church. God knows I would do anything for that child. What am I thinking? She's not a child anymore. She's going to be a mother soon.

"I should go help Mom," Rory said to us when we walked in the door of the church. I watched her walk away, her normally smiling face, pale and drawn. Although she and Lorelai both know how I felt about Luke, I can see she knows that I am sorry they have to go through this.

"Follow me," Marty says to us. We follow him down the aisle and he seats us in the third row from the front. "Rory said you should sit here." I nod and Richard moves to sit down. But, I can't take my eyes off my daughter.

Lorelai is standing in the front of the room, pale and sickly. Yet she still looks lovely, almost like Jackie Kennedy, in her 60s style black dress and black pillbox hat. Rory has walked over to her and is helping Will and Katie into their seats, but Lorelai's not paying attention. I can almost hear April saying something to Lorelai, but she doesn't seem to hear. It doesn't seem to be real to her. Although, I'm not surprised.

_Watching her, makes me reflect on a young death, so long ago. When Lorelai was little, she used to beg for a sibling to play with. I think a few times she commented that a mausoleum is no fun alone, never quite appreciating all we gave her. But I never could respond. How could I tell her how much we went through just to have her? _

_Almost five years before I had Lorelai, I bore a son. Yet, Richard and I were not quite thrilled with the sudden prospect of becoming parents because we had been married less than a year. But we moved on, knowing we were planning on having children anyways. The pregnancy was hard for me and Richard had to borrow money from his mother to afford time off of work. They were trying times for both of us. But the day our son was born was still one of the happiest days of my life._

_Our son, James Conrad Gilmore, was weak from birth. For days after I was released from the hospital, we continued to almost live our lives at the hospital watching our little Jimmy take each breath. But each breath was labored. The doctor said that even though he was only a week premature, Jimmy's lungs were still undeveloped. The doctor also said he believed that it was possible if Jimmy were to survive that he would be severely handicapped, mentally and physically. When he said this, I broke down and just about collapsed right there. Richard couldn't even attempt to help, so torn to pieces he was. _

_The morning Jimmy died, I went to the hospital chapel for a few minutes. I was never deeply religious, but my mother raised me with the idea that religion was the only thing that would be there in my most trying moments. I just sat there at the front of the chapel apologizing. I felt that I had caused this because I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place. But since meeting my son, I didn't want this to be real. I couldn't lose him. I loved him from the moment he was born. After praying for a little while, I decided to make a promise to God. I said that I would let go of Jimmy. I said that I would be content if I was given another chance I would have the child gladly and loved it from its conception. I promised that if I was just given one more chance I could be the parent I should have been from the start._

"Emily, they're starting," Richard reminds me, breaking me away from my memories. I look back at Lorelai, sitting listlessly in the front row and sigh. I didn't go through with my promise. She deserved so much more from me. She deserved my love no matter what. She gave that much to Rory.

As the preacher begins to speak, I glance around and realize how loved Luke was by the town. There are many Stars Hallow members that I recognize: Ms. Patty, Lorelai's neighbors Babette and Morey, Gypsy who came to my bachelorette party, Kirk and his girlfriend Lulu. Sookie is sitting behind Lorelai with her husband and children and that strange man from the inn, Michel. Rory's friend Lane is in our row with her boyfriend and mother. Rory's friend Paris has also come with her boyfriend, Doyle. I notice Rory's ex-boyfriend, Dean, in the back with his wife, son and sister. I also happen to notice Christopher, Rory's father, in the back row with his daughter, Geni or Gigi or Giga or something else equally insipid. Rory sits in the front with Marty on one side and Lorelai on the other. Next to Lorelai are Will and Katie and then Luke's daughter, April. I believe that's April's mother behind her. Luke's sister and her husband are also in the front as well as Jess, his nephew and Rory's ex-boyfriend. There are also many others that I've never seen before or I faintly recognize but can't put a name to. The place is filled. And I wonder for a moment, are they here because they miss Luke or because my daughter and granddaughter are in pain?

I'm a little surprised when it's announced that Rory is the one that will give the eulogy. I mean, I completely understand that Will and Katie are too young and that Rory's known him longer than April, but it still seems odd to me. Obviously, it doesn't seem odd to anyone else.

"Luke Danes was more than a stepfather to me," Rory begins. She's fingering the pearls that lay around her neck. "When I met Luke, I knew he was going to be an amazing person in my life. Although at that time, I thought that he was going to be the first to refuse to give me coffee at the age of ten. But as years went by, Luke became the closest thing I had to father. He was there for me when I had chicken pox and when I got my first A- in 6th grade. He helped me figure out how many blueberries I could actually fit in a pancake and how to fry an egg on the sidewalk, or at least attempt the latter. I'm not sure who was happier than Luke the day I got into Yale or the day I graduated from Chilton. He told me felt like had been through the whole thing with me and it was true."

"It was while I was at Yale that Luke and my mother fell in love and got married. But the wedding was just a confirmation of how things already were, we were a family. My mom, my dad and I." Rory pauses, a little choked up. I wonder for a moment if I should turn around and see if Christopher has walked out, but that might be a little obvious. She takes a deep breath. "On my twenty-first birthday, my dad gave me these pearls. They had belonged to his mother who had died when he was little. He – he…" Tears begin to run down Rory's cheeks and I begin to wonder if this was a good idea having Rory give the eulogy. "He told me at the wedding that he gave them to me to let me know he considered me his daughter. When I told him to give them to April, he reminded me that I was his eldest daughter and I had first dibs. He told me he loved me. My dad gave me away at my wedding and I think he actually cried more than my mom."

"Luke's life wasn't all about me though. Just look around you and you can see how much he was loved. How many lives he touched and how many people he cared about. My dad pretended to be gruff and grumpy but he was an old softy inside. He loved people, despite what he said. And most of all he loved his kids and my mother. My mother, Lorelai, was Luke's world. He told me once that he would have been nothing without her." Rory becomes choked up again. I can see that she's watching Lorelai, who is crying. Sookie has walked up and now sits next to Lorelai, holding her and letting her cry. "He loved you, Mom. He always will."

Rory walks down the stairs and over to Lorelai, who stands and they hug, both crying. The preacher tells us that Luke will buried in an hour at the cemetery next to his parents and the Danes's will be welcoming friends and family at the house tonight.

"That was something," Richard says to me afterwards, but I can only nod. How I wish I could hold my daughter like I see Lorelai and Rory doing. How I wish things had been different.

"Did you notice Christopher?" I ask my husband. Richard nods. He stands and walks to the back to talk to Christopher.

As I look back up at the front, I notice Lorelai walking away from the group and up the stairs to the bell tower. What is she doing? She wouldn't do anything crazy, would she? I mean I know my daughter and she doesn't always do sane things, but she wouldn't do anything drastic? There's still Rory and Katie and Will. Oh Lord.

Noticing that no one is going after Lorelai, I hurry over to the stairwell. As I walk up the stairs I can hear Lorelai's voice getting clearer and clearer. I can hear her making bargains similar to my promises of years ago.

"I'll let Rory go to D.C. I'll become the daughter my mother always wanted. I'll do anything. I'll even convince them to make these damn churchbells ring again. Just one more time. Just once more. Just let me tell him I love him once more," I hear her sob. I take a deep breath. Lorelai needs me, I think. I'm about to go up into the tower when I rethink that. She doesn't need me, it's not me she wants. I take a deep breath, longing to be the one that Lorelai reaches her arms out to. Instead I go back down the stairs to tell Rory that her mother needs her. I go back to being the mother that Lorelai will never look to for comfort. I go back to being Emily Gilmore, who prizes her pride over her family. I go back to being someone I never wanted to be and I promised a long time ago I wouldn't become. And I silently apologize for things gone wrong.

---

**A/N**: Keep the reviews coming! And for those who asked about another story with Luke being alive check out my oneshot "Its In His Kiss".


	12. Lane Kim 2

After the funeral and burial at the cemetery, everyone just some how ended up at Lorelai's house. I mean I know the preacher announced that they were receiving guests, but somehow I feel that we would have all gone anyway. The house is filled with people, relatives, friends, community members and a few that I've never even met before. The noise level is surprisingly low with the amount of people that are here. I think that's out of respect for Lorelai, but she's not even in the living room. Lorelai's in the kitchen with Sookie, supposedly having a cup of coffee, but my guess is that if it even is a cup of coffee, it's an Irish one.

Manuel and his crew have cooked up a storm, which is unnecessary since so many people have been bringing food over for days. Lorelai might like leftovers but this is taking it to the extreme. Mama would go absolutely ballistic if she saw all this food. But the food is going over well, people are eating and talking. Ms. Patty wondered on the way here if it would depress Lorelai to hear stories about Luke, but I don't think it could make her any sadder than she already is. So Ms. Patty, Babette, Taylor and many others are over on one side of the room telling stories. I thought about going over there but I couldn't. I'm here for Rory and I know she needs me.

Here I sit to Rory's right, wishing that Dave didn't have to work today and go back to New Haven after the funeral. Yet, glad that Mama decided to go home after the funeral. But I need to stay with Rory because Paris and Doyle showed up. Paris, who is – well, Paris, is discussing a book she read on the stages of grief. Denial, a good one, but not helpful. Anger, well at least you can work out some energy. Bargaining, one that I don't think is too helpful, I mean it's never going to work. Depression, possibly the best part of grief, it means getting to drink and getting everyone to feel sorry for you. Finally, acceptance. That's the worst part of grief, having to accept that no matter what you do, nothing is going to change.

As I watch Rory, she still motionless next to me on the couch. I'm almost positive she has heard little of Paris's conversation, which I suppose isn't a bad thing. Marty's been relegated to caretaker duty. He's making sure that things are going right in here, that Lorelai's not getting too drunk, that Rory's still with the program, that April and Liz are doing all right, that the kids are all upstairs with Lulu and Kirk being entertained. Sometimes Marty is my hero. Definitely today.

"Hey Ror," I hear from behind me. I know that voice. I turn around and of course I'm right. Rory's real father, Christopher, is standing behind me.

"Dad," she says. He walks over and hugs her. "Where's Gigi?"

"Some lady, Lulu, or something is hanging out with all the kids upstairs in William's room." Paris is put off by Chris and gets up to go talk to someone else with Doyle following behind her. Fine, be like that Paris. Rory needs her father now. Although, maybe not if he heard what she said in the church. "I saw that the Gilmores are here."

Rory's grandparents are standing stiffly by the wall holding cups of something, looking very out of place. "Yeah, well, Mom will never understand what she means to them," Rory comments. I wonder for a moment if they ever accepted Luke as a part of the family. Christopher seems to feel uncomfortable as well as he glances around and sits down next to Rory.

"Sorry I wasn't there for you," Chris says. For a moment, I'm not sure what he means. He's here, he's here for her right now. I'm not surprised, from what Rory's said, her father is still in love with Lorelai, so it makes sense that he would come for Lorelai. "I should have been here when you were growing up." Well that takes me aback. I never thought he would be okay with the speech. I knew where Rory was coming from, I've known her most of my life. I've known about her relationships with her father and with Luke.

"It's okay, Dad. I mean you were still growing up yourself."

"I should have been at all your birthdays and I should have been at your graduations."

"That's not everything. You tried to call most times." I don't know why she's defending him anymore. He wasn't there, Luke was. But Rory's Rory. She always tries to please everyone.

_Luke was always there for her on her on her birthday. On her 16th birthday he made her the first of his birthday coffee cakes. It was sitting on the table in his diner when we walked in for coffee before school. Every year after that it was the same thing. We would sit there and eat coffee cake and sometimes Rory would complain that Chris had forgotten again. He had forgotten to call. What father forgets his daughter's birthday? Luke knew what time we were coming and when her birthday was and the cake was always there. He never forgot. He always pretended that it was something he did for everyone or that he could care less that it was her birthday. But it wasn't true. Luke was true to form. Every year, even last month._

"Rory, I just wanted to say I understand," my dad, Christopher, says. "Even though I would have never told him this, but he was a better father to you than I ever was. So I – I just wanted to say – I'm sorry you're hurting." They hug and Chris announces he's going to go see Lorelai and walks into the kitchen.

Rory lays her head on my shoulder as I put my arm around her. "Rory."

"I know," she says. "Luke always remembered." She smiles softly. "If it's a boy, I'm naming him Lucas." Rory lays a hand over her belly. "And I hope he's just like Luke." He will be, I know, because she'll tell him all about Luke and he'll have Luke, man he'll never meet, as his role model.

What she'll always remember about Luke is that he was the only father figure in her life for years. He was the one who remembered. He was the one who cared. And even now that he's gone, he's still going to be the only father she'll ever have.

---

**AN: **I think I should comment that I am a fan of Chris. If there was no Luke I'd be more for Lorelai and Chris together, I thought they were cute in the second season. But I write the truth and Chris isn't the greatest dad.

Please continue to review! I love to read what you think!


	13. Sookie Belleville 2

**AN:** I may like Chris but I wouldn't dream of having Lorelai get back together with Chris, never fear.

Personally, I feel my last chapter wasn't my best but it was needed for the story. The next two chapters will be much better, I promise.

----

It's been so different at the inn the past few days without Lorelai. She always brought a certain kind of – magic – liveliness – to the Dragonfly, even times she was fighting with Rory or the time she was fighting with Luke. That's amazing, now that I think about it. All those years together, seven years, and they only fought once. I mean they had disagreements, but they only really fought once. Jackson and I have been together longer and we still have some big blow up at least once a year. I think that's what reminds us that we love each other. Not that I'm saying Lorelai and Luke didn't love each other because God knows they did.

I'm leaving a little early from the Dragonfly because Michel, of all people, suggested that I go see Lorelai, that I try to find out if and when she'll be coming back. She's been really depressed the past few days since the funeral. I've scarcely heard from her. When I go over there, she's in bed having not eaten or slept. It makes me want to cry or shake her, maybe both. I called Rory this morning at work and she said that she or Marty have been stopping by there daily to check on the twins and make Lorelai eat, but she wasn't allowed to take much more time off of work if she wanted a full maternity leave in March.

I pass by the diner on the way to Lorelai's place. It's still just as dark and lonely as it was the day we found Lorelai upstairs in pieces. I haven't heard what she's planning on doing with it, but it would be such a shame for it to be left forgotten. And I'm sure eventually, Taylor's going to bug her about it, probably sooner rather than later. Note to Sookie, remember to talk to Taylor about that.

Arriving at Lorelai's house, I get the key out from under the turtle. However I find that was unnecessary because the door is unlocked. "Katie! Will! Lorelai!" I call. There's no answer. I glance at my watch. At 5 o'clock on a Thursday, those kids should be home. I search around the house for a note, thankfully finding one on the kitchen table. April's taken the twins with her to her mother's. She's been good the past few days. April convinced the Harvard people to give her a week off and send her the assignments and notes because of her father's death. I have to say, she's just like Luke, always putting someone else first.

_When I was put on bed rest early, a month before Martha was born, Lorelai freaked out. The Dragonfly yet to be open a year and there was an article coming out about the inn that was hopefully going to bring in more business. But I was stubborn. I never hired anyone to take my place when I went on maternity leave. So when I had to stop working early, Lorelai was stuck without a chef. _

_Luke, of course, came to our rescue. He let Lane and Caeser handle the diner for a day so that Lorelai would be able to keep the dining room at the inn open and so that she could search for a temporary chef. Course, I'm still Sookie. And as I said before, I'm stubborn. I couldn't handle the idea that someone else was running my kitchen, probably differently than I had. I drove Luke crazy all day trying his food and sending Jackson after him. Even still, Luke wouldn't quit because Lorelai needed him. She came first. _

_After apologizing and hiring Manuel as my substitute the next day, I called Luke over to my house. I apologized again for – basically being myself. But he wouldn't hear of it. Luke said he didn't just do it for Lorelai, he did it for me, and he knew eventually I'd see that. Though I drove him crazy, he still put my needs first. Luke was amazing like that. I told him I would always be indebted to him and he said someday, I could pay him back. And I suppose getting Lorelai through this is a fair exchange._

"Lorelai!" I yell as I jog up the stairs. "Lorelai!" She has to be here.

I walk into Lorelai's bedroom. It's dark and quiet but I can see Lorelai's unmistakable form curled up in the bed. She can't be like this forever. She has to get out of this. I walk over and rub her arm, she wasn't asleep. "Shove over," I say. Tough love, that's what I'm talking about. Lorelai scoots over and I sit down next to her, leaning back against the headboard.

Moving her hair away from her face, I can see that Lorelai's been crying. Her eyes are puffy and her face is drawn. "Have you eaten?" I ask. She shrugs. "You have to eat, Lorelai. You're not going to live in this bed forever, you have kids to take care of." I glance over at the night stand and see that someone, probably Rory, has left some food there. I unwrap a granola bar and hand it to her.

She takes the food from me. Lorelai sits up to eat and she does, hungrily. I rub her back, hoping to relieve some tension. I'm doing the best I can.

After she's done eating, Lorelai leans back, her head on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head. "Feel any better?"

"Not really," she answers. At least I've gotten her to speak. "Where are the twins?"

"With April." Lorelai nods. "I know you miss him Lorelai, but your kids need you."

"I know." She sighs. "I didn't think it would be this hard."

"You loved him."

"I know, but I never realized how much. I think he always thought he loved me more than I loved him."

"That's not true."

"I know." Lorelai swallows, a tear running down her cheek.

"Okay, come on." I stand up from the bed, making her sit up because she has nothing to lean on.

"What?"

"You've got to get out of this house, come on."

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know, I don't care. Here." I pick her black sweater off the floor and hand it to her. "Let's take a walk." Lorelai doesn't move for a moment. Finally, she reaches out and takes the sweater.

"Okay." Lorelai slowly gets out of bed. She runs a hand through her hair and pulls the sweater on. "I'll get my shoes." She walks out of the room and I hear her walk down the stairs.

Looking back in the room, I shake my head. This place is gloomy. But she's upset, so it's basically setting the mood. I wish I didn't have to make her do something she doesn't want to do, but I have to. Luke would want me to. I notice their wedding photo on the dresser. "I'm doing this for you, Luke," I say. I take one more glance around then room and then walk out, closing the door behind me.

---

Keep on reviewing! I love reading your opinions!


	14. Lorelai Danes 4

**AN**: Since this is my concluding chapter of this story, I thought I would make my comments first. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write a sequel.

The song "Kissing You" by Des'Ree is used in this chapter. I would recommend listening to it, it really sets the mood of the scene.

I know I'm getting repetative, but please review, I really want to know how you the end to the story.

--------

Sookie and I just walk and walk, not really talking. I don't think that we have an intended direction but it seems my legs are leading us somewhere specific. I'm not even looking at street signs or watching for cars, I'm just walking. But I know I've found my intended destination when we arrive at the entrance to the cemetery.

I can feel myself being pulled inside but I hesitate. Going inside means letting go. Going inside means saying goodbye. Going inside means accepting.

"Sookie," I say, my voice wavering. Tears I didn't even know were there, welling up in my eyes. "I think – I…" I take a deep breath because I need to say this. "I think I need to do this alone." We share a look for a moment as she begins to understand and nods.

"Okay." I turn back to face the gate. I'm scared and I can feel it. "I'm going to go make sure Martha and Davey got home okay. You'll call me if you need?" Unconsciously, I rub my neck. "Lorelai?"

Realizing that Sookie's been talking, I glance back at her. Her face is pensive. She's so worried about me and I love her for it. "Yeah, Sook, I will." But Sookie doesn't leave. She seems wary to let me do this alone. "Sookie, I will," I promise. I can't tell her that I'm not sure I'm going to be okay. I can't tell her that she probably has reason to be worried. Because I know I have to do this and I have to do it alone. And I know if I tell her these things, she won't want to leave.

"Okay," she says finally and hugs me. As Sookie begins to walk away, she waves her cell at me, reminding me that I can call. She's the best, she really is.

As I turn back to the gate, I take a deep breath. Shaking, I open the gate and walk inside. I know the way. I've only been to this site a few times, but I can feel my way. There's an energy that's pulling me. There's a light showing me the way. As I walk, a cold wind causes me to shiver and pull my sweater tighter around me. It's possible that there wasn't even any wind, but I'm shivering anyways.

There it is. I arrive at my destination and I stare. The small grey stones are cold and unwelcoming. They bring me little comfort. I read them, hoping that the words will bring me some solace in these moments. William Matthew Danes. Loving husband and father. 1944-1984. I never realized that he died the same year Rory was born. Laura Margaret Flannery Danes. Loving wife and mother. 1946-1978. They were so young.

Finally I look at the last stone. Lucas Patrick Danes. Loving husband, father and brother. 1966-2010. The tears run down, hot on my cold face as I read. I find myself on my knees on the newly covered dirt in front of Luke's grave. Luke. I look up at the dark sky, trying to stop myself from breaking down. Taking slow deep breaths. And I realize. It's snowing. It's the first snow of the year. And it's beautiful as always. I close my eyes just to feel the moment.

_Luke: (walking around the dinner) Find a seat at a table and you'll get coffee when I'm ready. Until then, I'm busy!_

_Lorelai: What's your birthday? (She picks up a newspaper.)_

_Luke: Hey crazy lady! Get lost!_

_Lorelai: Come on, just tell me your birthday._

_Luke: November 3rd, 1966. Happy? (Lorelai opens up the newspaper and starts writing.) Good, now go away. (She rips the paper out of the newspaper and hands it to him. He reads it and then looks up at her, a different look coming over his face. He walks behind the counter. Luke flips over a coffee cup, fills it and hands it to her.) Here._

_Lorelai: Thanks, Angel. And hey, hang on to that, it'll bring you luck one day. (She winks as she walks out the door. Luke watches her for a moment and then folds it up and puts it in his pocket.) _

**Pride can stand a thousand trials  
The strong will never fall **

_Lorelai: And people can evolve together, don't you think? _

_Luke: Maybe. _

_Lorelai: Yoko and John Lennon did. They just got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end, they had the same face. _

_Luke: Yeah, it got a little spooky. _

_Lorelai: But cool. _

_Luke: Yeah, they were lucky. I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap, and doesn't want to change you or dress you or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right. But that's only if you find that person. _

_Lorelai: Yeah, if you find that person. (They both get up and stand under the chuppah.) No one has ever made me a chuppah before. _

_Luke: Well, you only get married once. Theoretically. _

_Lorelai: Yeah, you only get married once. (Shot from behind of them standing together under the chuppah.)_

**  
But watching stars without you  
My soul cries**

_Luke: You got friends, you got a house, a job, apparently an iron stomach. _

_Lorelai: No, it's not so bad. I'm lucky, I know. I just. . .I feel like I'm never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package. (Luke puts a donut on a plate, then slides it down the counter to her.)_

_Luke: You'll get it. _

_Lorelai: How do you know? _

_Luke: I know. _

_Lorelai: How do you know? _

_Luke: Because I know, okay? I know. Now eat your donut. _

**  
Heaving heart is full of pain  
Oooh, oooh, the aching **

_Luke: I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy. _

_Lorelai: I'm not looking at you like you're crazy! _

_Luke: You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember! _

_Lorelai: I loved the flowers! _

_Luke: And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment. _

_Lorelai: There was! There was a moment. (Luke gazes at Lorelai, then moves closer.) What are you doing? _

_Luke: Will you just stand still? (He gathers her in his arms and they kiss. Lorelai pulls away then moves back closer to Luke.) What are you doing? _

_Lorelai: Will you just stand still? (She holds his face as she kisses him. Luke's arms wrap around her as they kiss. She pulls away again. As they gaze at each other, Luke grasps her waist and pulls her back.) _

**  
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh  
I'm kissing you, oooh  
**

_Lorelai: I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right? _

_Luke: (nods) It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person - _

_Lorelai: (gasps) Ooh, is it me? Is it me? _

_Luke: This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy. _

_Lorelai: (gleeful) Ooh, it's me. _

_Luke: I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying -- sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her. _

_Lorelai: Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful. _

_Luke: She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. _

_Lorelai: (dryly) God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you? _

_Luke: So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under "Scorpio," she had written, "you will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away." I gave her coffee. _

_Lorelai: (grinning) But she didn't go away. _

_Luke: She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me – (pulls a small scrap of paper from his wallet and holds it out to Lorelai) one day it would bring me luck. _

_Lorelai: (teasing) Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee (unfolds the scrap and reads it with new remembrance) Um...I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? (sees his serious expression) You kept this in your wallet. _

_Luke: Eight years. _

_Lorelai: (touched) Eight years. (Luke sighs and returns the precious scrap to his wallet.) _

_Luke: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here -- me, you -- I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in. (carefully watches her reaction) Does that, uh -- are you, uh, scared? _

**  
Touch me deep, pure and true  
Give to me forever **

_Lorelai: Luke what are you doing here?_

_Luke: I had to – tomorrow – we're getting married._

_Lorelai: That much is clear to me._

_Luke: I just wanted to make sure. You're not nervous? (Lorelai smiles.)_

_Lorelai: No._

_Luke: Really? (She shakes her head.)_

_Lorelai: No. I'm all in. (Luke nods. He reaches out and runs his fingers over her cheek.)_

_Luke: I love you. I want you to know that. I love you, Lorelai Gilmore._

_Lorelai: Danes. (She takes his hand, interlacing their fingers.) Soon to be, Lorelai Danes. (Luke nods, swallowing, so overcome and unable to speak. With her other hand, Lorelai grabs his shirt and pulls him to her, kissing him softly.) I love you, Luke Danes. Don't ever forget that. (They kiss deeply.)_

_- _

_Luke: (holding Lorelai's hands in his under the chuppah) Lorelai. All my life I've waited for you. All my life. The day I met you I knew that was it. I knew you were the one for me. Even if we never got together, I knew I would never love anyone else. I knew I was all in from day one. I love you, Lorelai, and I'd do anything for you. (He's choked up and clears his throat trying to finish.) I just – I love you. (Lorelai has tears running down her cheeks.)_

_Lorelai: Luke, I may not have realized it from the day I met you, but I always loved you. Apparently I'm not quite that in tune with my feelings. (She cracks a small smile.) But you are the only man I've ever loved and the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Even if it takes our entire lives to prove it to you, there's no one else for me. I love you Luke. (He leans in and kisses her.) You only get married once. (She whispers.) This is it._

**  
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh  
I'm kissing you, oooh**

_Luke: They are so perfect. (He sits in the hospital bed with Lorelai, an arm around her, as she cradles both twins in her lap.)_

_Lorelai: We couldn't have done anything better than this. They're all ours._

_Luke: William and Katie. (He's choked up.) I was worried I wouldn't be a good father._

_Lorelai: You already are to two beautiful daughters and they both love you so much._

_Luke: (sheepishly) Two? (Lorelai nods.)_

_Lorelai: Two. (Luke reaches out a finger to Katie, who grabs onto it.)_

_Luke: Whether or not you two ever realize it, I'm only dad you're ever going to have. And I'd do anything for you. _

_Lorelai: Except give you coffee, you'll come to me for that. (She winks at Luke.)_

_Luke: We'll protect you and love you, always and forever. We're a family now, we're in this together. No escape. (He looks at Lorelai, staring deeply into her eyes.)_

_Lorelai: All in. (They kiss softly and then deeper.) _

**Where are you now  
Where are you now**

_Luke walks Rory down the aisle up to the altar where Marty stands. He lifts her veil and kisses her cheek._

_Luke: I love you, Rory._

_Rory: I love you too. (She turns to go up on the altar and then turns back.) Dad. (Luke's eyes fill with tears as she walks up to Marty. He walks over and sits between Lorelai and April. Lorelai has Will in her lap and Katie's next to her.)_

_Luke: She called me Dad. (Lorelai looks over at Luke and smiles.)_

_Lorelai: You're the only Dad she's ever known. Chris is her father, you're her dad. Your girls love you. (Hearing this, April lays her head on Luke's shoulder. Luke nods, he smiles at April and then nods at Lorelai.)_

_Luke: I'm a Dad. (He smiles.) You've finally got it Lorelai._

_Lorelai: What?_

_Luke: The whole package. (Lorelai smiles.)_

_Lorelai: The whole package. You promised. (She leans in and kisses him.) I love you._

**  
'Cause I'm kissing you  
I'm kissing you, oooh**

_Luke: I really hate New York City. I want you to know that. (Lorelai smacks his arm playfully.)_

_Lorelai: You promised. It's the kids' first day off of kindergarten and they get time with their parents. Katie and I want some Momma Daughta time._

_Luke: Yeah and she says it the same way you do._

_Lorelai: Like mother, like daughter._

_Luke: Yeah and would you please stop giving our five-year-olds coffee? (Lorelai shakes her head mischievously.) Junkie._

_Lorelai: Angel. (He leans in and kisses her.)_

_Luke: I'm only doing this cuz you're making me._

_Lorelai: I have that way about me. (Will runs down the stairs.)_

_Will: Come on Dad! We have to see Jess and Sesame Street and get pizza and go to the Entire State Building. (Luke sighs.)_

_Luke: Empire. (He shakes his head at Lorelai.)_

_Will: What? (Luke looks over at Will.)_

_Luke: The Empire State Building. Katie! (Katie runs out of her room and over to Luke, who picks her up and hugs her.) Don't do everything your mother tells you to do. (He whispers, but not so softly, and then puts Katie down.)_

_Lorelai: Funny funny man. (She ruffles Will's hair.) Make sure your Dad has a good time. (She looks at Luke.) You try to have a good time. (Luke grabs her by the waist and pulls her to him.)_

_Luke: Give me some love and I'll attempt it._

_Lorelai: Dirty! (She kisses him softly and lovingly.) That get you through? (Luke nods not letting her go.) _

_Luke: I love you. _

_Lorelai: I love you too. (She kisses him quickly. Before he grabs Will and pushes him out the door. Lorelai watches them for a moment and then follows Katie into the kitchen.)_

After reveling in the memories, I find myself lying on the ground over Luke's grave. I lay my arm out to the side as if I were in bed next to him. As the wind blows, I can almost feel his arms circling me. And as I kiss the ground where he lays, I can almost feel his lips against mine. "I love you Luke." I say. To him. To the ground. To the sky. To the world. As the snow falls from the sky, covering the ground, covering me, I can feel his certain reply.


End file.
